I’m sure your telling your new love about the hell it was living with me. I’m sure you are telling her how I cheated on you, so many times. Why am I sure? You demonized your exes to me. You made me believe they were evil and had wronged you in so many ways. But for the last year I kept hearing from you that living with me was hell. What you heard from me was that I was so happy to be where we were, wherever that was, with you. That I wanted to grow old with you.
When your sky was falling, I tried to assure you. When you were angry, I tried to calm you. You watched everything I did and said, looking for me to be insulting to you. If I was out of your site for even a few moments I was F***ing the neighbor. Well, if you look for a problem, you’ll find it. While your telling the new women that you meet that I had so many affairs, I know I did not. I never even considered it or desired to. I now doubt your exes ever did either.
I’m sure you are telling the new women that I want you back. I do not. What I want is to not be erased. I was content having our memories posted. But, you wouldn’t let it be. I assume you wanted to hide the happy moments. How could like with me be hell hell you paint it to be with so many happy moments. No, you wanted those gone. And for the most part they are.
Because those moments are gone, I have to replace them with what I’m feeling now.
What am I feeling? I’m feeling stronger. Yes, I’m aware my strength is a threat to you. But, I don’t care anymore. I thought I had survived hell before. Now I know what hell is.
I will no longer keep my thoughts to myself. I don’t worry about hurting someone’s feelings. I won’t walk on the eggshells you put out for me. If I do, I will smash them to hell!
So many times you blamed what happened on demons. But, they were always someone else’s demons. I know now, they are your demons. Nothing was wrong. All you had to do was love me, like you promised. But, you are not capable of honoring your commitments. Not mentally, emotionally or financially. You must have someone to hate. I’ve watched you despise your family members, one at a time. And when they were not around, you were left with just me to be the enemy.
I shared my deepest traumas with you. That was a mistake. You would use it against me, time and again. Even after you were gone you would call and force me to talk about it. You made it worse than it was. Why didn’t I just hang up? Why didn’t I just block you? Your blocked now.
Knowing I had these traumas in my past you would fill my mind that someone was going to hurt me. They would come in the middle of the night and spray gas thru the window to put me and the pups to sleep so they could hurt me. You said these things knowing I was sleeping alone and would be afraid. You said these things to put fear in me. You are cruel.
You accused me so many times of having an affair. You would yell at me for 30 to 90 minutes. If you really believed I did that, why didn’t you leave? No, you knew I didn’t. You did it to torture me. You did it to give yourself a reason to call me a slut, a whore. And when I used those words back at you, you deny ever calling me them. But you did.
While we’re on the topic of denying you said these things… so many times you claim to not remember the things you did and said. I truly will never know if you black out in your fits of rage or if you are simply gaslighting me. If you don’t remember, let me tell you, you have behaved very poorly. I have yet to tell you one of the worse things you did when you were raging drunk. Funny cause your family thinks you don’t drink.). You have behaved criminally. Looking back, I should have reported your actions to law enforcement on many occasions. But, I was so stupidly in love with you I couldn’t. I was so trauma bonded that I couldn’t.
Never again will I allow anyone to isolate me from from my family. Never again will I chose someone that threatens to leave me, over my children. Everyday I pray that my family will forgive me.
Yes, I have my issues. I have PTSD and MDD. For the last two years I have been getting help and working on these things. Actually it was this works that finally helped me set boundary’s of what I would accept from you. After you left, you told me that you are a narcissist and have BPD. Now, you are telling your family and the women (guessing) that it’s me that has it. I have discussed this with my doctor, and I do not have BPD. He says I have a healthy level of narcissistic traits. So, no I do not. But, now my PTSD is much worse from having survived DV with you.
O, I don’t want to be erased. After all I went threw with you I don’t deserve to be erased.