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Where to start?

I am just going to start writing and edit this later. I am posting as I write. Check back often for more of the story!

I will not be erased. I know it would be so much easier for you. After all, each time you were leaving you promised you would erase me. Did you make that promise to Constance, too? (Wife number three). You story around that continues to change. I will never know. I do know that you lied and said you had been married twice before. Do you want to tell wife number 5 that you were only married twice before? We didn’t have children, so it doesn’t count? Well, we were married. You put me threw hell. I will not be hidden away like it didn’t even happen. I won’t hide what I went threw from your next victim.

June of 2018, I finally told my mom and dad that you kept threatening divorce. I told them your threats hurt me to the core. My dad said that this was considered abuse and I shouldn’t put up with it. But I loved you (the idea of you) so much that I would put up with it. I would put up with your yelling and temper tantrums over the smallest, stupidest thing. I would tolerate you not letting me speak to my parents. They called you an abuser. They were right. But, your ego wouldn’t allow that so I had to hide any contact.

Your mom knew you were threatening divorce. She knew because I’d ask her why you did it. She made excuses for you. Blamed herself. She told you to stop. But you wouldn’t. I made the mistake of letting you know how much it hurt when you’d do this. Now you had the perfect weapon over me.

In July 2018 you would threaten to leave again. Why? Because I’d been on a run? Because I told you that you can’t keep threatening? But you did. At a really hard moment for me, you threatened to leave me. At that moment, I didn’t want to live. My desire to stop the pain was so great that I did make a plan to end my life. But, I didn’t. I took myself to the VA and got help. I did this on my own.

In August 2018 my son was having a bad day. He didn’t want to talk about it. But, I pushed on. Asking again and again. I shouldn’t have. I walked past him and touched his shoulder. He waved his hand to let me know to leave him be. Later you would claim he hit me. He didn’t. He’ll tell you so. Along with another witness. He walked away to be alone. You looked for him. But didn’t find him. You sat next to me. After 30 minutes or so, you looked at me and told me you were going escalate the situation and I needed to stop you. Because we were out camping on our land, I suggested we start getting ready for our shower. Once we were in our tent, you started yelling at me. This is the first time that you indicted that you thought he hit me. I assured you that he hadn’t. Even if he had you had done worse, pushing me away when you are in a bad mood. Your defense was that you’d never do that to your mother. But it’s ok for you to treat your wife like that. Your yelling wouldn’t stop. You began yelling that I needed to make a choice between you and my son. Imagine how that hurts. You know a month before this I had been hospitalized for being suicidal caused by your threatening to divorce me. Now, the one that continues to threaten to leave me wants me to make a choice between him and my son? I heard my son return to his tent. I knew he could hear the choice I was being forced to make. My heart broke. I couldn’t take the yelling anymore. I walked off, out into the trees. (Later, you will claim I went to the neighbors and had sex.) I didn’t walk too far. I heard you exit the tent. Yelling. Cruising. Throwing things. My son did ask you “if you wanted some”. That was wrong. I don’t know exactly what happened. Next I heard you yelling “get off me” and “I can’t breath.” If someone can yell that they can’t breath, clearly they can. But, I ran back. My son had you pinned. He’s a wrestler. That’s what they do. I told him to let you go. Then stood between you. You were not done. You grabbed a lit tiki torch and tried to hit my son with it. I took it away from you. Then you went in the tent for your .45. I heard you load it and chamber a round. Then you came out of the tent and pointed it at my son. I stood in front of him. I was not going to let you shoot my son. This was the first time you pointed a loaded gun at me. I called your mom. Hoping she could calm you down. Instead, you convinced her that we were all trying to kill you.

I had my son and the girl we were going to adopt pack their bags and get in the truck. You resisted, but finally threw me the keys so that I could get them out of the ranch, away from you. I took the dogs because I didn’t trust you with them. The kids spent the night in the hotel. But as I was driving them to town and getting them settled in the hotel you called my parents and tried to turn them against my son. You even tried to turn my daughter against him.

I put my son on a greyhound bus. After he was gone, you called your son in law to order a hit on my son when he arrived to our home to get his truck. What you don’t know is that I had a police notified so that if anything happened, you, your son in law and nephew would be the first they look at. Now, you have premeditation.

Because my parents took in my son, you hated them. Made me cut ties with them, again. My daughter too. You wanted me to shut off his phone and auto insurance. But I didn’t. That was not the right or kind thing to do. I said I did. I was afraid sod what would happen if you knew that I didn’t. You would threaten to leave me. In hind site I should have let you.

You would find out about my son still being on MY insurance policy when he had an accident. That night you would be cold and want to go stay in a hotel. I was apprehensive about going. But I went. As soon as we got in and I picked up food from the Denny’s next door you would start yelling eat me again. I couldn’t eat while you were yelling at me. You got more mad about that. You kept yelling. Finally, you made me leave. It was 12 degrees outside. I was only wearing a sweater. The three dogs and I were out in the cold. I had no money. No functions credit card. No Keys’s to the truck. And you literally put me out in the cold. I should have called the police. Hi should have had them get the truck keys from you so I could go home. I should have put a restraining order on you then. (Trauma bonding is a bitch)

Yes, you did come out to get me. By that time I was nearly frozen. You asked if I hated you. You wanted me to hate you. I didn’t. I couldn’t. I should have. After that each time we go to a hotel I was be afraid I would be kicked out again.

Another time we had a fight. Who knows what it was about. But, as normal you grew a temper tantrum and threw things. One of the things you threw was your phone. Once you calmed down, you NEEDED a new phone immediately. So, we went to town to get it. (I’m still paying $97/mo for the phone you had to have that day.). While we were in route my friends brother was messaging me about coming out for a visit. For some reason you refused to believe I had never been involved with him emotionally or sexually. Well, I never have. But on this day he said he wanted to bring a friend with him. We knew this friend had supplied drugs in the past. You said no. I told them no. But, you couldn’t let it go. On the way home we stopped for gas. While you pumped the gas I blocked my friends brother and his friend on my phone and social media. I didn’t tell you because I was hoping the topic was over. But it wasn’t. On the way home you started yelling again. As we turned off the road to enter the ranch, I tried to give you my phone so that you could see I had blocked them. But I couldn’t find it. In frustration I tossed my tote bag into your lap. You threw it back at me. You threw my phone at the windshield. Jasper, my service dog was so upset he jumped on my lap to block your blows. I did hit back. How hard did I hit? How hard could I hit you while driving with a German Shepard on my lap? But you retaliated by biting my arm. (The bruise would last three weeks as you bit it so very hard. You teeth marks were quite visible in the bruise!). I stopped the the truck and tried to get away from you. You wouldn’t let me get my wallet and my pistol. So I sat on the side of the road with the dogs. A truck stopped to see if everything was ok. As a good abused woman I lied and said was ok. But they could clearly see that it wasn’t. Do you know who that couple was that witnessed the aftermath of your abuse? I didn’t then. But I do now. I also showed your bite to a neighbor and had photos taken and saved for me.

How is it that after these incidents you would apologize. Tell me god spoke to you. You won’t do it again. You promise that you love me and your not leaving. Why would I believe it. Time and again, I wanted to believe it. I wanted you to love me. I wanted to grow old with you.

Why did you have to make me believe you loved me? Why did you convince me that we belonged together. How can you ever have believed that? You offered me an annulment just three days after we were married. And almost weekly after that you threatened to leave. The longest you ever went without the threat was six weeks. So why did you marry me? Why did any of this ever happen?

You insisted I was controlling. I watched what you ate. Your a diabetic. If you carb yourself up your mood changes. I get yelled at. You won’t even remember your poor behavior when your on carbs. I did watch who you talk to and message. Why? Because you lied about who people were and how you knew them. Your new fling is a perfect example. You said she was your old boss. But the reality is she is an old love. Likely one of the mistresses you had while married to wife number 2. But, that is just a educated guess. There were so many other reasons. The things you would say to make yourself look to be desired by others. I understand now that you ere just trying to boost your own ego. I didn’t trust you. I should have just let you leave at any point when you wanted to. But that trauma bonding is so strong that I would get on my knees and beg you to stay. Promise that I loved you. After I graveled enough you would finally hold me and say you’d stay. Did you need that? Need to have me on my knees to feed your ego?

Now speaking of your ego… I am so surprised that you would say that bullet wasn’t intended to hit me. I was standing in front of the door frame while you were throwing things. You stopped briefly. I bent down to pick up some of these things. I should have been paying attention to what you were doing. You turned and shot. That bullet hit where I had been standing. It was in line with where, seconds before, my head was. Now, you claim you didn’t intend to shoot me. You intended to shoot out the open door. We all know what a good shot you are. I am surprised that your ego would allow you to admit you missed a target that was 36 inches wide. I am surprised you would admit to recklessly firing into the dark where the dogs could have been. Where you would have hit your mothers trailer. But, as a narcissist, your need to never be the villain will overrule your ego. So, is better to say you missed a shot than tried to kill your wife. The fact is you fired a pistol in my direction. You fired a pistol over my head. I truly believe you wanted that bullet to land in my head. Before we moved to the ranch my mother expressed concern for my life. She didn’t want to have to come search 80 acres for my body. I promised her that wouldn’t happen. I almost broke that promise.

This may be a good time for me to take a break.

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